The width of life

I knew from a young age that I wasn't like the others, but it took me many more years to understand how. I still don't understand all of it, and I'm still looking for answers, but I do have a better idea now compared to years ago.

There are two things I know for sure: I haven't ever been turned on by penetration sex, and I'm almost exclusively aroused by men. I think that makes me asexual and gay. I'm not sure if I'm using either of those two words correctly, but it's the closest labels I can find.

I know what you're thinking: if I'm not turned on by sex, what am I turned on by? This is where things get a bit muddy. The short answer is, suffering. However, subtle changes in the nature of the suffering seem to produce a large difference in how much arousal I feel. For example:

A predicament bondage where a noose forces a man to stay on tip toes – turns me on. A man hanging in the noose – not really.
Forcing a man to go without food for an extended period of time, then asking him to cook dinner while not allowing him to eat what he cooked – turns me on. Seeing homeless people begging for food on the street – not at all.
Attaching an ankle monitor to a man and setting a geofence or a speed limit that he has to abide by 24/7 – turns me on. Seeing news reports of criminals being put under home arrest using ankle monitors – not so much.

There are certain threads of commonality that I've been able to tease out. The suffering has to be specific to individuals, rather than large groups of people. It has to be unnecessary, rather than the symptom of a social problem. And it usually needs to be unique and unusual, rather than a "standard" run-off-the-mill punishment, be it "simple" imprisonment in the real world or things like a "simple" spanking or "simple" rope bondage in the kinky world. I put the word "simple" in quotes because nothing's ever truly simple and complexity is often subjective, but hopefully I got my point across – I need something more to get aroused.

The closest concepts I can find are D/s, the most forgotten pair of letters in the abbreviation BDSM, and "power exchange", which, by the way, strikes me as kind of a misnomer. "Exchange" implies a two-way swap, but in a typical power exchange relationship, the dominant doesn't surrender any power to the submissive. Isn't this more of a "power abduction" or "power confiscation"? But we'll call it "power exchange" for now.

I'm not satisfied with these terms. For one thing, they're too often still closely connected to the traditional, penetration sex, which I have (so far) had zero interest in. I want the power dynamic to be the main dish, not some sauce that spices up the sex. For another, these terms don't seem to scratch my itch. I think my kinks largely fall into the category of D/s and power exchange, but they're still a bit too vague, too general, to describe what I'm specifically into.

I thought about this for a long while. Days stretched into weeks which stretched into months, and I think I got something. Well, if you're on this site, you know what phrase I've settled on:

Width of life.

It's not perfect, it doesn't describe everything I'm into, but it does cover a surprising majority of my kinks. Let me explain.

The length of life is, naturally, the number of years a person is alive. I have no interest in manipulating another person's length of life (such as killing / snuffing), not even in my fantasies.

Of course, life isn't just about its length. To me, there's at least a width and a depth, possibly more. The depth of life is the satisfaction a person gets out of their life – their happiness, their sense of fulfillment, their enjoyment. I sometimes do enjoy reading a fictional story where a man is forced into slavery and resents his miserable life. However, as soon as I come out of the fantasy world, a shallow depth of life immediately becomes unappealing.

Then there's the width of life: the variety of activities a person does, the options a person has, the choices a person makes. Typically, the wider your life is, the deeper it also gets. But there's this niche category of kinks where satisfaction comes precisely from the loss of options, the loss of choice, and that, I think, is fundamentally what I'm into. The arbitrary orders that must be obeyed, the random restrictions that must be followed, the maddening monotony that must be endured, simply because "I said so". A restriction on the width of life, if you will.

Look, it's a silly turn of phrase, and it's probably not even that original. I don't mean to sound all grandiose and philosophical; I'm just trying to give a name to the kinks I know I'm into. I'm quite happy with this phrase, though, because many of my fantasies turn out to be specific ways of imposing "width-of-life restrictions":

Having a live-in, domestic servant, who lives on a strict time table, while I stay up late or sleep in as I like. Whenever I enter the house, he must be already kneeling at the door waiting to greet me, regardless of whether I just went to take out the trash or if I came back from work early.
Having a private chauffeur who, after dropping me off and parking the car near where I am, sits in the car and waits for me to return, hands on wheel, sitting at attention, eyes front, with no entertainment.
Having a living statue who's only allowed to move when I'm not in the same room as him. When I'm out, a motion detector surveils the whole house and he must not make any sudden movements that trigger the alert.
Having a personal assistant who, whenever he speaks, must only use words of one syllable, even when speaking to other people. If he slips up, as punishment, he must say the word "sir" at the beginning and the end of each sentence as well as in between words for a day ("sir I sir don't sir know sir").

It's a different kind of suffering from, say, being flogged or whipped or electrocuted, which I don't enjoy nearly as much, unless they somehow tie into this "width-of-life restriction" theme.

The Internet has taught me that I'm never alone in any way, and people with similar interests will always exist. However, the kinks I'm into appear to be incredibly niche, even in the already niche world of kinksters. If what I wrote weirds you out or disgusts you, you're free to leave; I wish you the very best and a great depth of life. If, however, it resonated with you, I want to hear your thoughts. Please get in touch.

There are many nuances I didn't get into in this post. Keep coming back to this blog as I explore more topics in greater details. There are parts of myself that I still don't understand. This blog is a journey of self-exploration, and I'd love to have some company along the way.