I'm asexual, gay, and kinky. I'm exploring my interests and desires. Feel free to get in touch.
I'm looking for a relationship where I can be myself. I'm closeted to most of my family and friends, and I want someone I can open up to and rely on.
I use "he" a lot on this blog because my fantasies almost exclusively involve men. I respect people of all genders in life, but men will be the focus of my writings here on this blog.
Read on or jump to the kinks.
About me
This is a self-exploration, and these answers will change over time. Last updated in June 2023.
What do you mean by "asexual"?
It means I've never seen a person and thought, I want to have sexual intercourse with that person. It also means when I talk about obedience and service, I'm talking more about chores and rule-following than, say, blowjobs on demand.
Why say "sexual intercourse" when you can just say "have sex"?
I'm being careful with my words. I do have a libido and some things do arouse me. I'm neither celibate nor abstinent, and different people have different opinions on what counts as having sex. I'm not interested in what most people think of as "penetration sex", but I'm more comfortable with (by which I mean "less uninterested in") handjobs, or sex toys, or simply masturbating with someone. Very few people will count these activities as having sex, but I wanted to be clear.
Do you masturbate?
Yes. I like having orgasms and I do not abstain from it. I simply don't have the desire to penetrate another person's orifices in order to achieve one.
What do you masturbate to?
Mostly fantasies related to obedience and service. It could be images or videos from the web, or stories from various sites, or sometimes just my imagination. A major reason I started this blog is to explore what exactly I'm into and what I'm not, so I can answer this question better. Feel free to check out the blog.
Do you detest penetration sex?
Not really. I've just never had the desire, and watching others do it doesn't arouse me. I skip sex scenes in TV shows and movies because I find them boring. I have to be selective when I look at porn because most of them seem to fall into the category of "people penetrating each other with a storyline", which does nothing for me.
Are you sure you're not just crying sour grapes because you've never had sex?
I've considered this possibility, but it doesn't explain why I find sex scenes boring, or why porn that focuses on intercourse (gay or straight, vanilla or kinky) doesn't turn me on, or why I don't resonate with people whose definition of "getting lucky" on a date is to have sex. "Asexual" is the best label I can find for what I (don't) feel.
How are you asexual if you still masturbate?
The word is misleading; it seems to suggest a complete lack of libido or sexual desire. However, among the asexual community, the word "asexual" simply means "having little desire to have sex with other people" (1, 2). A word is only meaningful if people use it to mean the same thing, and this meaning is already well established. Might as well roll with it.
If you're asexual, how are you also gay?
The fantasies I'm into almost exclusively involve male characters: male masters, male slaves, male servants. I enjoy massages from male masseurs more than from female masseuses. I check out men on the street but rarely women. I set my Siri / Google Assistant voices to be male. I want to have a male buddy who I can be close to and potentially live with. Individually, each of these preferences doesn't say much. Altogether, I'm not sure how else to describe it.
If you're asexual, what does it mean to "check out a man"?
It means I'm trying to take in how he looks. His height. His shoe size. His muscularity. His hair. I enjoy the aesthetics of certain types of men. It just doesn't lead to "I want to have sex with him".
Where does it lead to, then?
Usually, I take a look and I move on. The ones more "my type", I might stare for a bit longer. Sometimes, I have an urge to get to know him better: his background, his youth, his life path that led him to this moment in front of me. However, I've generally been too timid to approach strangers, so I often shrug off my curiosity and go back to what I was doing.
Are you only attracted to others aesthetically?
No. Sometimes, once I get to know a person, aesthetics start to become less important, and I start to want to be with them ("emotional attraction") and chat with them ("intellectual attraction"). I haven't fallen in love with anyone yet ("romantic attraction"), and it appears that I don't fall in love easily, but I haven't ruled out the possibility.
Will your future life partner be a man?
Most likely. Maybe a non-kinky relationship with a woman is still on the table, but it's unlikely.
Will you have penetration sex with your future life partner?
Most likely not. If you can't live without sex, we'll either have to look into mitigations (such as using sex toys or being non-monogamous) or stay friends.
If you don't want sex from your partner, what do you want?
Everything else. Someone to spend my evenings, weekends, and vacations with. Someone to talk to with my guard down. Someone who supports me, inspires me, and makes me a better person. Ideally, a high level of obedience and an eagerness to serve too. See below for more details.
Do you want to live out everything you write about in the blog?
Some of it. I write what I imagine. I try to keep it realistic, and recognize it when things turn fantastic, but what works or doesn't work in a relationship is hard to predict; some fantasies are meant to stay fantasies. What matters most is, I can talk to you about all of it. I want someone in my life with whom I don't have to hide my thoughts. I've done enough of that with all the other people in my life.
I have more questions / I have something to say to you. How do I reach you?
Send me an email, or find me on Recon or Twitter.
You sound like someone I know from real life. Are you my colleague / my friend / that guy I met at that party?
Ask me what my favorite Russian letter is. I'll say it's ы. Tell me your favorite is ъ but your second favorite is ж. I'll say "funny, my second favorite is also ж". Then you'll know it's me (and we can talk about what our favorite Russian letters really are, or about master/slave stuff if you're into that).
About you
Here I describe what I look for in a life partner. As I continue to explore, the descriptions might change. Last updated in June 2023.
If what I describe sounds like you, feel free to get in touch.
The non-kinky side
Life can't be 100% kinks. Having matching kinks is important, but I want to enjoy your company outside of kinks too.
You are intelligent and well spoken. I like a good conversation and I like debates. I want to be able to challenge your viewpoints and be challenged in return, knowing that however heated the debate gets, it won't hurt our relationship. I like someone who stays curious and is always learning.
You are fit or want to get fit. Not only is good health necessary to enjoy life, a muscular body is simply more pleasing to look at. I'm trying to work out more too; your presence should motivate me.
You are ok with not having penetration sex. I'm asexual; having sex is a chore and not something I look forward to. This doesn't mean you won't have sexual relief. You can masturbate or I can masturbate you. Sex toys are also an option. If an arrangement can be made, I can also outsource your sexual needs.
The kinky side
You are a lifestyle slave. For you, being obedient and providing service is a lifestyle and not just a headspace you get into once in a while. You want to be controlled in some way all the time.
There will be low protocol days and high protocol days. Most days will be low protocol days. We will hang out like friends would, but with an undercurrent of my control over you. Regularly, we'll have periods of high protocol play, when the kinks turn explicit and you suffer more intensely.
On low protocol days:
- You'll go to work and take time off work as usual.
- You'll stay in touch with your colleagues, friends, and families.
- We'll chat casually about kinky and non-kinky topics.
- Your speech and actions will be bound by a few rules, but the ruleset will be simple, casual, and discreet.
- Generally, you'll cook, clean, drive for me, but it's ok if life gets in the way.
- You'll exercise regularly. We might exercise together.
- You'll need permission for orgasm, but you'll be free to touch or stimulate yourself. Whether you get permission depends on your behavior (body fat percentage, rule adherence, amount of chores done, etc).
- When I set you a task, you'll complete it.
- When I give you an order, you'll obey.
During high protocol play:
- You might sleep on the floor or in a cage.
- Nudity might be enforced. Alternatively, your clothes might be locked on throughout the day and night.
- You might be required to stay barefoot while outdoor. Alternatively, you might be required to keep your shoes on overnight.
- You might be forbidden to walk upright.
- You might be gagged, collared, blindfolded, or restrained.
- I might inflict pain on you (nipple clamps, paddles, crops, etc).
- I might put you in stress positions or predicament bondage.
- I might make you work out until exhaustion.
- I might make you stand still holding a pose.
- I might use you as a footstool as I watch TV, or objectify you in another way.
- I might make you stand in the corner for hours. You can move when I give you an order (for example, to fetch me water), and you'll go back to your spot when you're done with the task.
- I might put you in a closet and ignore you for hours at a time. You will not have entertainment while you're waiting to be let out.
- You might need permission for basic functionalities: to eat, to drink, to go to the bathroom, etc.
- I might impose a tight curfew on you or make you follow a strict timetable.
- You might be required to stay silent, or adhere to difficult speech rules.
- You might be denied simple pleasures, such as scratching an itch or having a hot shower.
Everything is "might" because nothing's a deal breaker. We'll focus on what's realistic and enjoyable for both of us. Communication is key.